STRONGLY
UNQUALIFIED.
Management remains cautiously optimistic despite interns clicking “reply all” for the third consecutive quarter.
— INTERNAL RESEARCH
EMPLOYEE CLASS2026
STONK
INTERNS
The brokers make the money.
The interns do the work.
4,444 INTERN BADGES · UNOFFICIAL OFFICE LORE · NO HR DEPARTMENT FOUND
INTERN_CAMERA_01
09:31:22
UNDER
QUALIFIED
QUALIFIED
COFFEE +444%◆
SLEEP -99.8%◆
PTO HALTED◆
EXCEL MAX LEVERAGE◆
PAYROLL NOT FOUND◆
COFFEE +444%◆
SLEEP -99.8%◆
PTO HALTED◆
EXCEL MAX LEVERAGE◆
PAYROLL NOT FOUND◆
01 / THE DESK
WELCOME TO
WELCOME TO
THE BOTTOM FLOOR.
Somewhere beneath the trading floor, 4,444 interns keep the market running on cold coffee, broken spreadsheets and questionable judgment.
INTERNAL TERMINAL
BUILD 0.4.4.4
ACCESS: INTERN
ACCESS: INTERN
INTERN INDEX4,444.00▲ +13.37%
STRONGLY
PRODUCTIVITY1D
02 / EMPLOYEE DIRECTORYMEET THE
MEET THE
BAD HIRES.
Every intern got through the interview somehow. Each badge is different. None of the résumés were checked.
03 / SURVIVAL MANUAL
HOW TO SURVIVE
ISSUE 004444
HOW TO SURVIVE
YOUR FIRST DAY.
Please read before touching any terminal, spreadsheet, market order, microwave, or executive espresso machine.
SI
INTERNAL
INTERNAL
01
LOOK BUSY.
Open at least three charts. Nobody knows what they mean.
02
NEVER SAY “I DON'T KNOW.”
Say “we're still modeling the downside case.”
03
BUY THE DIP.
If it keeps dipping, that is now a long-term position.
04
PROTECT THE COFFEE.
The market closes. The coffee machine does not.
SUPPLY4,444INTERNS
THE INTERN CLASS
ONE OFFICE.
ONE OFFICE.
4,444 PROBLEMS.
A collectible cast of plastic-headed corporate chaos. Different shapes, hats, colors, accessories and levels of employability.
4,444TOTAL
24/7OVERTIME
0BENEFITS
STONK INTERN TIME RECORDER
AUG 1409:31SHIFT: FOREVER
04 / CLOCK IN
READY TO MAKE
READY TO MAKE
BAD DECISIONS?
Join the intern floor. Bring your own coffee. Management will not be available for questions.
Stonk Interns is a standalone creative collection concept and does not claim official affiliation with StonkBrokers.